Pushed
By
Sam Smith
SMASHWORDS EDITION
* * * * *
PUBLISHED BY:
Sam Smith on Smashwords
Pushed
Copyright © 2012 by Sam Smith
Thank you for downloading this free eBook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form, with the exception of quotes used in reviews.
Your support and respect for the property of this author is appreciated.
This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously.
Adult Reading Material
A special thanks to my friends Cari Tirrell and Elena Cowles for supporting me and finally convincing me I must publish something. This short story was something sitting on my desktop for a while when Elena pushed me to edit it a bit and publish it. It is actually a prequel to a novel I have been working on.
*****
"I love you."
"I love you too."
Large gentle hands caressed blushing cheeks and ran through blond hair. Chris lifted his blue eyes to Shaun’s own chocolate ones. He was so happy, so very happy. The man of his dreams grinned down at him. They were perfect for each other. Perfect.
Chris groaned as he held his head. Don't remember, it makes it easier. Block out the pain. It had been only two months without his touch that he had been so accustomed to for the past three years, the only touch that he knew, and yet he still could not get Shaun out of his head. It didn't help that they went to school together, and his mother had become quite enraged when he quit going to his wrestling and track team meets, so he was forced to watch Shaun ignore him. Sometimes it would seem Shaun would be with Ada around him just to make the boy depressed all over again. More often than not, Chris found himself in the library or a bathroom stall. Even now, he had left class early to sit amongst many books, most of which he had read from cover to cover. In the past these books had given him an out, a way to put up with all of life's twists. Yet the smallest things reminded him of the one thing in the world he wanted. He didn't cry as much anymore, yet it still hurt just as bad, and that hurt was the only thing to fill the emptiness in his chest.
He felt more than heard someone approaching him. Chris closed his eyes, waiting for the person to address him as he massaged his temple. It wasn't Shaun, he told himself; Shaun would always refuse to come in here, hating the very sight of most books, unless it was a comic book. Waiting he stroked the spine of the book in his hands as it rested on the oak table that he sat at.
"Thought I'd find you here," tired blue eyes shot open, surprise being one of the first strong emotions besides sadness that they had held for weeks now. Looking up to his side Chris saw Luis standing next to him, a look of sadness and perhaps anger in his mocha colored eyes. Chris lost himself in those eyes for only minutes, before reminding himself that they didn't hold the same richness as Shaun’s. They never could be Shaun’s eyes.
Chris shrugged and looked to the side. Luis was the only one who had known about him and Shaun. He remembered how stupid he had been in there sophomore year when Shaun finally went out with him. Luis had tried to tell him it was a bad idea, that it would only hurt him in the end. He hadn't listened, how could anyone as sweet and kind as Shaun hurt him? Now he knew the answer that Luis had tried to give him so many times. The day Shaun had left him Chris had drove himself over to Luis' house, burst in with tears streaming down his face, demanding to see Luis.
"Look," a hand, large and calloused, landed on his shoulder, and he soon relaxed under a much needed back rub, groaning as the Spanish student moved behind him to use both hands on the taut muscle," Friday, after school, is the graduation party. I know you're avoiding Shaun and all, but you need to move on. I know it’s not going to come easy but this is part of it. If you want I can uninvited him and Ada-"
"No," Chris found his voice finally to cut off the man's beautifully accented voice," No…. I'll go. He can come, you're right this is . . . this is part of the healing process. I need to get this over with. Not like . . . we were going to see each other after graduation anyways."
His voice came out uncaring but his heart ached at those words. It had been true; Chris was already signed into a high raking college, whilst Shaun was signing up for the military.
The man behind him sighed and murmured some Spanish. Chris smiled. He loved the language; he thought it was beautiful, so when Luis ever said anything in his native tongue, it would help Chris catch his breath.
"Ai yai yai! Listen to me my friend," Luis kneeled down and looked Chris straight in the eye," Chris. I am you're friend. You are someone who is very important to me. I do not wish to see you hurt, especially if it is for some guy who wants to keep a clean public image. I am here for you, remembering that. I will be here for you at the party. If you need me, or anyone, don't forget that."
They looked deep into each other's eyes for a moment before Chris glanced away. Luis was such a good friend. He had met him a year before he had Shaun. Thinking of Shaun brought a familiar weight on his chest. It was a feeling that he would not allow to surface so he found himself standing and waving Luis to follow him.
"I'm hungry," was his excuse.
He was tired. Tired of many things, and at the top of the list, people stood in the number one slot. Human contact had been very hard for him before Shaun left, now it was almost unbearable. Chris had went dodging people, with their smiles and hugs, he had turned down offers to hang out, and had ended up hiding in his and Shaun 's old hang out. Behind the school, on the grounds, there was a recently abandoned building. The school was waiting for summer break to begin renovations, so that year it had been the place he and Shaun had met on many occasions, including the two most important points in his life thus far. Both of the memories evolved around Shaun.
He sighed. Nothing ever went the way he wanted it to, and this had been something of upmost importance. He raked a hand through his hair. Maybe if he had went out and partied more instead of studying? Maybe if he put less pressure on Shaun to do good in school, keep good work ethics, and look presentable. Perhaps if he had become more of a bad ass, and drank and smoked weed like Shaun. Chris shook his head. He was even considering changing himself to try and look good in the man's eyes.
After sitting and pondering for a while, Chris noticed the sun was set very low, and the abandoned two room building, with nothing but a couple of desks, chairs, and a whole bunch of blankets and pillows left over from him and Shaun , began to darken so everything held a grey hue to it.
He searched his jacket pockets, which lie carelessly over an overturned chair, and found his simple green razor. Flipping it open he found that he had a good handful or two of missed calls, a few from Luis, most from his parents, and two from Shaun.
His breath hitched. Shaun had tried calling? The boy was always with Ada, the love of his life. Why would he need to call his ex? Especially since said ex was a male, and that was something Shaun did not want out to the public's awaiting ears. Chris’s heart raced, and millions of thoughts ran through his head, each one more farfetched than the other, yet not something he hadn't dreamt about before.
He sat there. Quickly he checked all his messages, his box being full it took a few minutes, but quickly he found that they were all from his parents, and Luis. None from Shaun. Checking his recent missed calls again he saw that Shaun had called recently. Had the raven haired ex not been able to leave a message? Guilt filled him and he suddenly began to feel anxious. He should call him, make sure that he wasn't giving off the impression that he didn't want to speak to him. Yet if he called, maybe he could seem too forward. What if Shaun had been merely calling for something small, like homework help?
There was a sound from the door, and before Chris could even think to duck and hide, it was wide open. Yet there standing inside it was Shaun, looking laid back with a slight smile on his face.
"I knew I would find you here," Chris felt like crying. He felt he hadn't had that voice directed to him for such a long time, that he now felt like Jell-O because of it.
Forcing a smile to his face and a shrug of his shoulders he replied casually," yeah. Yah know, school, work, and parents. Needed a break that's all. I forgot to tell mom that I was going out, she must be worried."
Shaun nodded a confirmation," yeah. Luis called me about an hour ago asking for you. I decided to check here, since no one else knows about it."
At those words Chris felt his heart sink. Shaun hadn’t wanted to see him; he just was helping everyone find him. Yet at least he showed some concern, it was heartwarming in a way, even if it made Chris a bit sad.
"What's with the face? “Shaun grinned and shoved his shoulder playfully. Not in the same hard way he had when they were going out, but gently. Chris wished for more, for any touch from him.
"What face," his front was back up and he was acting like nothing was bothering him." I don't know what you're talking about. Just thinking about how much mom is going to give me a lashing."
Shaun thought for a moment then," how about this. Since you're mom loves me oh so very much, how about I come spend the night. She'll be happy someone is there with you."
Chris could only feel himself nodding absent mindedly. He only allowed a small smile out while inside he was screaming, banging on walls. What did Shaun want to spend the night for? When he had left Chris, he had made it clear he still wanted to be friends. Was that all, Chris tried to convince himself he was looking at this too deeply. The only reason why Shaun suggested it was because they had barely spoken within the past two months and he wanted to rekindle their friendship.
They made their way to Shaun 's car; he came from a wealthy family and was able to go without work and still have his own car, though Chris 's family was doing quite well themselves, even after his parents’ divorce.
He called his mother while Shaun started the quite engine and began driving them to his house. She picked up on the first ring and he mentally groaned. She was worried, very much so it seemed.
"Chris!”
He winced as her voice came from the receiver and he saw Shaun grin at him he stuck out his tong before taking a breath," mother," he paused to wet his lips," I apologize for not calling. It is just that I had a lot of homework and wanted to get away from everything to do it all. I just started doing it and lost track of time. Shaun just found me at the library and is taking me home."
He waited for his mother to stop sputtering on the other end, and listened to her chew him out. Then sigh and pause before she continued, they were at his house already, in his room with the t.v on low when she was finally done yelling," that's odd. Luis told me he checked the library."
"Must have missed me. I was in a far corner. I was trying to avoid everyone so I could get my work done. Shaun is spending the night, so don't worry."
His mother paused. She could have came home from work, or continue working on the case she had been working on for months. It was a dead case in most people's eyes, yet his mother was stubborn.
"I will see you in the morning," she said clipped, sounding like her professional self once again. Chris hummed an agreeing tone, lying back on his bed, closing his tired eyes. Shaun was sitting in a chair across the room and Chris wished he was checking him out. It just looked like it.
"Good night. I'll be up early."
With that he hung up and looked to the t.v. anywhere, he told himself, but at Shaun. He didn't know what to do, how to react. All his and Shaun’s relationship had ever been was sexual; they had hardly been friends before going out. Maybe, he thought sadly, that is why it didn't work out.
"How's work been without me," Shaun sounded cheerful and suddenly Chris noticed that he had lain down next to him, grinning like mad. Chris didn’t want to seem rude, but his face heated up at the thought of his most recent crush laying so close to him. He scooted to the edge of the bed, trying to make it look like was just turning on his side and getting comfortable before answering.
"Busy. Everyone misses you, said you were the life of the party, yeah know? “Chris shrugged and attempted to keep calm as Shaun looked at him deeply.
A calloused hand reached out and brushed some stray hairs from his eyes. Chris felt his face heat up and his breath catch. Even though the boy knew he loved the other, he hadn't felt this way for a while now. The hand laid itself on Chris’s shoulder, massaging it gently, before moving down and settling gently on his hip.
"You know Chris," Shaun’s voice was husky, his eyes filled with an all too familiar desire," It's the last week of school. We're not going to see each other for a while… we could get reeeeal dirty."
That should have told Chris to slap him, to yell at him, yet Chris found himself moving into Shaun ' touch. He couldn't say no, the all too familiar hope that they could get together again someday lingering in his heart. He could never deny Shaun anything, even something as low as this.
It wasn’t slow and sweet, like he might have been hoping. When he went to give Shaun a shaky kiss, he found the other boys lips upon his own with a force he hadn’t known Shaun to ever have. Hands quickly moved across his body, as if he had forgotten and wished to remember every part of Chris.
Chris, in return, wished to be just as enthusiastic, and pushed away all his worries. Moving from Shaun’s mouth to his neck he nibbled at it while slipping off his own shirt. Shaun gripped his hips painfully tight and pushed him forward to grind him through his tightening pants. Chris was now very aware of Shaun’s need and looked up into his eyes for the first time that night.
“What is this?” he said in a shaky voice.
Shaun’s eyes were full of an animalistic hunger, his mouth was slightly parted as he panted and thumbed over Chris’s bruised lips.
“Sex. That’s all it is, sex,” his voice was deep and husky, and he moved in, leaving no time to argue as he pushed Chris down and went to work on nibbling down the exposed skin of his taught stomach.
Chris pushed away his worries for the last time, yelling a simple “Fuck it” to his mental battle as he allowed this to happen.
It was a very good thing his mom worked late.
The music was too loud, the sun too bright, and the people who crowded next to each other, dancing, talking, and laughing where all too much. Chris found himself slowly moving to the very edges of the party, only to be pulled in by Luis. He loved the guy, he truly did, but sometimes he really got on Chris’s nerves when he was attempting to 'help' him. Luis always believed Chris to be too antisocial. Chris merely chose his friends wisely. Perhaps though, he thought, not his lovers.
"Chris, come on I have someone I want you to meet. He is a very good friend of mine, he goes to Washington too. A sophomore, he could show you around, get you used to the place," Luis had been worried about Chris ever since he found out they would be separating after graduation. Luis himself was going back to a Spain while Chris would be going to Washington.
Chris followed unhappily behind him, keeping his head down, attempting not to look at anyone. He hadn't spotted Shaun and Ada yet, but the events of the night before played in his head all too clearly. Shaun had insisted on pleasuring him, something he was never very adamant on, and it made Chris uneasy. Why had he done that? Was he feeling guilty?
"Chris !"
Chris found himself jumping as his friends face appeared in his vision, and he forced himself not to give a girlish yelp. Which, by the way, was completely impossible for him to do seeing as how he was so manly and all.
"This, Chris, is my friend Albert. Al, this is Chris," Chris looked up and immediately found his cheeks heat up. In front of him was an absolutely beautiful man. He had chiseled features, blond hair, and deep blue eyes. Those piercing eyes were turned to him, scrutinizing him, and Chris found himself drawn into those full finely shaped lips turning up into an amused smirk.
"Albert Baker," the man said in a smooth British voice," It is a pleasure to meet you."
Chris found his voice and immediately replied," Chris Kenny. I heard you go to Washington University too. Maybe I'll see you there."
"Yes. I came down from Seattle to help with recruiting," Albert was grinning wolfishly and Chris suddenly noticed him in an officer's uniform. His mouth went dry, the man was sexy enough, to mention in a cop outfit. Though, Chris quickly found himself after these thoughts, he wished he could have been the one to first see Shaun in his army uniform. That privilege went to Ada. Shaking the thought of the raven haired boy away he forced himself to smile. Shaun said he wanted him to be happy, to have fun. So he might as well start trying.
"I'll defiantly be seeing you," Chris had apparently missed some of the conversation but forced himself back to reality.
"I would like that."
Chris found himself smiling for a while after that, getting to know Albert, talking with Luis, and simply attempting to forget what had been there through high school. He had found himself, to this point, without a shirt and very wet with a laughing Luis and Albert, and a few of their friends laughing. Chris was about to throw a water balloon when a voice caught his attention.
"Attention! Attention everybody we have a wonderful announcement to make," Chris turned himself to the group of people that had gathered, he supposed it had been for the squealing that had taken up a few minutes before, and saw a red headed boy grinning from ear to ear standing on a table.
"Along with graduation, we have a marriage coming up!"
Cheers went around and suddenly the raven haired beauty that had been with Chris only the night before rose to the table next to the red head, smiling sheepishly. Chris’s blood ran cold, and he suddenly couldn't take his eyes from the boy. Shaun looked to him before his eyes darted away to the crowed and the announcement of the wedding being held the next month came. Cheers and screams came out as Shaun and Ada kissed and hugged.
Chris felt cold. He didn't feel like pushing Luis away, whom was now hugging him from behind and murmuring helpful words into his ear, and he didn't feel like commenting when Luis briefly explained to Albert what was going on. He slowly pulled away and began walking to the edge of the party. He heard Luis call for him, but ignored it. He just wanted to be alone. Going to a lone tree he watched from the edge of the party, everyone else's happiness.
That feeling could never be his own, he decided, even if he waited for a lifetime, Shaun wouldn’t allow it. Storm clouds began to cover the sun.
The rain was coming.
I gaze at him from afar, eyes never leaving his large, muscular frame. The weather is to my mood, bitter, blustery, with rolling dark clouds, ever so slowly releasing themselves of their heavy tears. Everyone around is moving, picking up things, talking, laughing; I feel so disconnected. I stay under my tree, the place I watch him, eyes unmoving, ignoring the bark digging into my bare back. My fingers twitch when he flexes and my chest tightens. He smiles at her, eyes never leaving her face, never straying. I wish for him to look at me that way, but he is so chivalrous he never would drift from her. There is no helping my tears now; they flow down my face along with the sting of the rain though I really cannot say it matters to me anymore.
I sigh as if hoping that would make my pain any lighter. The rain is beginning to come down harder, but the two lovers do not leave with the rest of the group. They simply stand there, staring into each other's eyes with the same affectionate look. I stay too, in the distance, watching as they gently sway to an unheard song. It hurts, to see them so close, in a way I never could be with him.
The evening's events play through my head, across my eyes. I feel a prickle of hot tears, but take no notice as stray rolls down my cleanly shaven cheek. I don't bother to push the annoying locks of hair out of my eyes. My chest tightens, I watch as they part, laughing, and run to the building where I hadn't notice Luis calling them over.
He follows behind her so honorably, and when they enter the light that spills from the house's open front door my breath hitches. He looks beautiful, and it hurts to know that he would never look at me the same way I do him. She goes in, and he follows, only pausing for a second at the door. My heart flutters when he turns and looks to me, our eyes meet. He looks away, ashamed? Disgusted? I do not know. He seems to be thinking hard raking a hand through his short cropped black hair, then going inside, shutting the door behind him.
"Shaun ," my chapped lips croak out his name before I even realized it, and I slide down the tree, ignoring the sting of the new scratches it caused," no please just. . .no."
I lay there, sobbing like I never had. I had been in love previously, but never so deeply, never so purely. I just wanted it to be like before. I sit up after I calm slightly and begin rocking back and forth. I surprisingly didn't feel cold, nor did I jump at the clap of thunder in the distance, though this hardly interested my dull mind.
Slowly I stand and begin walking. I know well where I'm going. I pass by the house, hearing laughing from inside. The graduation party was going on, and, just like I thought, no one noticed I was gone. And he didn't care. Knowing this gives me power to keep moving forward, and I begin to push onward. I do not run, but simply walk down the streets think about his voice, his smile, words, the way his hands felt. I do not fear reasoning, because I have reasoned enough. I already know I'm not going to graduation tomorrow; I'm not going to follow in my father's footsteps and go to college to become someone great. I will not exist any longer.
I stop when arriving at my destination, and look over the bridge to the raging water. They wouldn't look for me. My mother probably would be the first to notice my disappearance. I no longer am I crying. No. She wouldn't care. She never truly cared. No one did, fake smiles, fake hugs, fake I love you's, everything wasn't real. Why did I crawl out of my shell? It would have been better to move forward without experiencing this pain, this wretched un-returned love.
I stepped over the railing and hold myself there, closing my eyes and turning my face to the sky while breathing deeply, allowing the rain to poor down my face.
"Only love, can bring this pain," I murmured. Honestly I had never thought about death. But I guess leaving knowing that at least I had loved some body, trusted somebody, experienced such a true pure feeling was better than going without knowing what love was. And now it was so much easier to jump, to hope my meaningless life was washed out quickly so I didn’t have to live with myself anymore. I opened my eyes and looked down, not wanting to think about it anymore.
My name is Chris Kenny and I am the boy that loved Shaun Glaze.